Tired Mom Purchased Scripts
A Poem From a Tired Mom to a friend (CARD)
There once was a gal with nice boobies
As perky as those from the movies
But due to kids’ mouths
Her tits done gone south
And now they’re deflated baloonies
Ending statement on card reads: “Just keeping you abreast of my life. How are things hanging with you?”
Animated (or live) Baby Shower (SCRIPT)
Pregnant mom sits surrounded by gifts. All around her, in one big circle, are other women of various ages and sizes.
Mom-to-be: (All doe eyed and hopeful) Thanks everyone for the presents. But the greatest gift of all would be some truth about motherhood. How about we go in a circle so I can soak in your wisdom?
Lady 1: Well, being a mom takes patience.
Lady 2: And lots of love.
Lady 3: And flexibility.
Lady 4: And Prozac.
Lady 5: Zoloft and Paxil cocktail here.
Lady 6 just mimics the “smoking the doobage” sign
Lady 7: Cigarettes for this mama.
Lady 8: Since it’s illegal to hit the kids, hit the vodka.
Lady 9: Add OJ for your vitamin C’s.
Lady 10: Kiss your libido goodbye.
Lady 11: Two words: “Tube… Tie.”
Mom-to-be is shocked. None of the women in the circle even bat an eye at what was just said.
Lady 1:Who’s ready for cake?
All women break out into excited conversation while Mom-To-Be remains shell shocked.
Card reads: “Nothing like some good girlfriend advice. Best of luck, Mama!”
The Truth About Labor – Animated or Live (SCRIPT)
Two friends sit together. One is rocking a newborn, the other is still very pregnant.
Pregnant lady: What a beautiful baby! How was labor?
Mom: Totally manageable.
Pregnant lady: Are you lying to me?
Mom: Like a rug over a floor of nails that aren’t even half as long as that mother of God epidural needle you’ll be begging them to shoot into your spine like heroine, Dear Jesus, get it into my veins nooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Pregnant lady looks at her in horror. Mom keeps rocking like nothing bad was said.
Mom: You’ll do just perfect sweetie.
Card reads: “Best of luck to you, little mama. It’s totally manageable!”
Sanity Fairy – Live Action (SCRIPT)
Two mothers talk over coffee and cookies in a clean living room. Christy is polished and perfect. Jenny is in a track suit with a stain. Her hair is in a pony tail and she’s nursing a baby.
Jenny: “Christy, you’re always so together. The house is organized, the kids are behaved, you’re showered and don’t smell of day old breast milk. How do you do it?”
Christy: “It’s simple, Jenny. I ordered Sanity Sister.”
Cut to an in-your-face infomercial. A large gansta woman appears on screen.
Sanity Sister: “Is your house a sty? Are your kids little brats? Is balancing your job at work, job at home and smacking down a man who wants nightly sex sucking the life out of you? We hear you, girl. Sanity Sister can help!”
Cut to shelves with labeled boxes.
“In just one week Sanity Sister can get your life back on track.”
An arrow points out neatly labeled boxes:
- Emotional well being
- Full night’s rest
- Helpful husband
- Disciplined children
- Awesome hair
“Don’t delay – call today!”
Back to reality where Jenny looks at the boxes in Christy’s living room.
Jenny: “It’s too good to be true!”
Christy: “You heard it here first. For 12 easy in… stall… ments…”
Christy suddenly slows down and freezes to a halt like a statue.
Jenny: “Christy? Christy? Are you okay?”
Christy: Robot Voice: “Needs new batteries. Call technician.”
Jenny: “Oh my God…you’re a robot! You’re not even real!”
Infomercial lady comes back on screen, standing next to couch in living room.
Sanity Sister: “Of course she’s a robot, you dumb bitch. Motherhood is not about being perfect. It’s about being real.”
Jenny: “Thanks, Sanity Sister. You’re right.”
She hugs her.
Sanity Sister: “Damn straight I’m right. Now get out of here and go be a real mom. Right after you shower. Damn girl, you reek!”
Coffee Cup Visions (SCRIPT)
Genre: Live Action with visuals
Int. Kitchen near a window, huge crowd outside.
Close up on Newscaster who stands with a microphone.
Newscaster: “Herbert Goss here with up to the minute breaking news of an every day mother who has started seeing visions in her kitchen. Thousands of exhausted moms everywhere are lining up in the off chance they, too, can touch what is being referred to as a modern mother’s “Holy Cup”. You’re watching it first here.
Pan out to show a semi-dazed mother in a robe, looking into an average coffee cup.
Newscaster: These visions. Tell us about them.
Mom: It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, Mr. Goss. Two days ago, I looked into my coffee cup, and the image of spa appeared.
Yesterday, while the kids were fighting over the TV, the image of a Mexican cruise stared back at me.
Newscaster: And now? What do you see?
Mom: I see a bed. With fresh linens. And sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.
Newscaster: Mind if my crew gets the first peek at this prophecy of yours?
Mom: Of course. My gift is your gift.
Camera angle on coffee cup: Just plain old coffee.
Newscaster: I’m sorry, mam, but all I see is steam.
Mom: Freaking man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom takes the cup, throws it on the newscaster who screams in pain. She then goes to knock out the camera man.Things get shaky on screen and then quick cut to black.
End of card visual reads: “May all your motherly visions come true. “